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Joe Satriani: a Satriography
independent minds
Some people call him Satch, to others he is known as "that Moby look-a-like who Coldplay ripped off", but who is the real Joe Satriani? Here's what I've just learned from Wikipedia:

Joe "call me Satchafunkilus" Satriani was born on 15 July 1956 in Westbury, New York. A better teacher than he was a solo artist, Satriani influences are a who’s who of the greatest guitarists in rock history, including Hendrix, Page and Joe Satriani. Coldplay’s Chris Martin doesn’t make the list.

In a moment in history that has no doubt been improved through embellishment, a 14-year-old Satriani was playing high school American football when he learned of the death of Jimi Hendrix. Details of the exact circumstances of the event are, at best, hazy but I imagine it to have gone like this: Joe, a 6"2 Adonis, leapt over the entire defensive line of the opposing team to catch a beautifully flighted ball from his quarter back. En route to scoring the winning touchdown in front of scouts for the New York Giants, and his family, who had travelled over 200 miles to watch him play, his friend, Billy, stands up in the bleachers and shouts: "Hey, Joe! Jimi Hendrix is dead!" On hearing this, Joe slows to a trot, stops, drops the ball and walks off the pitch. His coach is apoplectic: "What in Sam Jones are you doing, son? You cost us the game!" He screams. Joe looks him coolly in the eye and says: "Sorry, coach. Rock needs me." I'm pretty sure that's exactly how that went.

Satriani learned to play the guitar as effortlessly as Coldplay learned to play his riff and aged 22 he was teaching the instrument to the likes of Metallica's Kirk Hammett, David Bryson of the Counting Crows and, perhaps most famously, Phil Kettner of Californian thrash metal band Lääz Rockit.

As a solo artist Joe has released 12 albums between 1986-2008, which feature two major themes: aliens and self-exaltation. His debut album Not of this Earth impressively managed to combine both of these themes, but my personal favourite is his latest work: Professor Satchafunkilus and the Musterion of Rock, a seminal record which includes the hit "I Just Wanna Rock". Well, Mr Satchafunkilus (I feel his claims of professorship are dubious) we just want you too rock too, so you can continue to "inspire" artists less gifted than yourself.

DISCLAIMER: Joe Satriani is actually a very talented musician, if a little overly aware of that fact.


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